9/29/10

Malachy...

So, today is an interesting one to note since I have not had more than an hour's worth of sleep. It's made me caffeine starved, jealous of my now-asleep child, and a little wacky. So please excuse me should anything not make sense to you, it will have definitely made sense to me at one point. :D

To clarify on one of my previous posts, someone asked "Your husband is demanding?" :O To which I replied: No, and yes. By my post two days ago about finding the time I was simply using basic language to say that every relationship demands time and effort. Sometimes it feels like that time and effort you put into your relationship with everyone else far outweighs the time you put into your relationship with yourself. So, as far as my husband- I love him, he's sweet and my best friend; however, to foster that relationship takes time. We both have needs and in order for both of us to be okay, we need to foster and meet each other's needs- which takes time. So, in essence I was only talking about the time that everyone demands of you in your personal life, because everyone does. For example, I call my mom probably every two days or so and put a huge demand on her time...(Sorry Mom, Love you though!) But she handles it well and lets me know when she doesn't have the time for our usual chat.

Moving on, I know that I mentioned needs. There's something I've wanted to get off my chest since I was a child. It's something I instinctively knew but couldn't put into words. It came to a head when I was a teen and it was a volatile time in my life, but more or less I just want to clarify something about me, and others like me.

As most people know there are two categories that most people fit into; most likely you're a mix of both but lean to one side. I am talking about introverted people and extroverted people. The basics: introverted people are those at parties who have a harder time mingling, they're the shy kind. They're also the kind who enjoy being alone and can really feed off of quiet solitude. They can be alone in their heads and they need their time to really figure stuff out. If a personal crisis occurs then they need to be alone and think through things. On the other hand it can be hard for them to communicate what they need, they feel too shy to ask people to leave them alone and they can often take on personal responsibility for communication or relationships gone bad. (Often, unnecessarily.)Also, while they make good listeners they would rather not share at all because they don't enjoy sharing or being extroverted, they fail to understand why others might need to be. This group, surprisingly, is also the group most likely to gossip since they do not care to share their own personal feelings and emotions, they would rather share something that is not scary to share. For these individuals, to share is to reveal something very private and personal and it takes energy to share. Whereas they get energy from being alone.

On the flip side is the extroverted person. They enjoy being around other people, BUT, and this is important, they NEED other people. Being around other people gives them energy, spunk and a skip in their step. They also need to verbalize or share in another way (Art perhaps, etc.) what they are going through and who they are. These people enjoy new experiences and find ruts infuriating. When they are alone, in a new place, or meeting a new person at first they over compensate by telling them a lot about themselves. They look like the person you can't talk to or that's only concerned about themselves, but they're not. They adore listening, they think it's a great mutual exchange and they see it as a growth in the relationship and meaningful communication. When given the opportunity to listen they gladly do. They also seek out relationships with others but don't know how to go about doing so, and can often scare others away by sharing too much.

While these are very broad definitions about those extreme personality types, they fit within certain characters. And even if you're a mix of the two, there is usually a side that wins out over the other. If you're not sure which category you fit into, go to a party. When you open the door and the noise hits you, how do you feel? Anxious about the people and the mingling? Anxious about the energy you're going to have to expend? Then you're more introverted. If you feel hesitant because of the new people, but excited to meet them and dance and get your groove on; then you're more extroverted.

Why Amanda are you sharing this?

I am sharing this because unlike many others, I am almost completely in the extroverted pile of people. Some who know me would say "Well, that's an understatement!" But it isn't.

You see, as a teen I grew up mostly with Mom who's an introvert for the most part. She enjoys more personal company, one on one visits and less people and less noise. My extroverted Dad could usually coax her out to functions with promise of a good time and leaving whenever she wanted. But, it took her a long time to be comfortable enough to drink and really let lose at functions, and to share with some of those people what she was thinking. For her, sharing her opinion was risky business....
Then she has a daughter like me. Her and I had a rocky couple of teen years because, like other introverts she didn't understand. I need people.

As teens girls like me get pegged off as any of the following:
-wanna-be's
-attention whores
-flirts
-teases
-loud mouths
-and it goes on.
Some of the things I've been called are not pretty, but they all undermined who I am. I am an extrovert, and while some people may not understand this, if I am cooped up at home or in a place where I don't know anyone I'm not just lonely- I'm claustrophobic. I become depressed easily and begin to mentally talk myself down because I do all of my thinking while I am talking. I need to have background noise and people around me. If I live with a room mate or a husband, I need them to check in on me daily and chat with me. Just have usual chatter, could be about anything or nothing, but something. I need to have meaningful exchanges with others or I begin to suffocate in my location.

For a long time here in the north I've felt like that. I came up here, got a brand new job where I was a supervisor and (at the time) the only people who I felt like I clicked with were people I supervised. Needless to say I couldn't do much personally with those people. I felt it would be inappropriate. Also, the two coworkers I had at the time were the following: Someone who was awesome but had a personal lifestyle I didn't understand, and a person who I just didn't mesh well with at all. Then, onto sick leave and maternity leave I went... Alone, at home. I began to write and it was good, but I couldn't share anything about myself in my fictional work that left me feeling like I had a meaningful exchange.

Yesterday I posted my blog onto my facebook and people responded "Thanks for sharing." I say honestly, Thank you for reading. You've made sure I felt heard. To me it's like needing air to breathe, I need to communicate, for me it's verbally or written.... I paint, sure... but I don't feel like it defines me the way words do...

So, if I ever come across as big headed, talkative, attention grabbing, etc. Please know that I'm probably really nervous. You see the less I'm around people, the more it feels like I'm drowning... and what does a drowning person do to their lifeguard? They stand on top of them to try and get air, because they panic. They need that promise the lifeguard represents....

So for today I will leave you with the second verse and refrain to a song I adore called Malachy by the Irish Descendants:

Malachy stood behind the bar dressed in his apron white
A philosopher of sort, he claimed, and sometimes he was right
A curious combination of poet and of sage
Yet he had a healthy outlook you won't find on any page

''Chorus''
''He said, "Sit down, what's your hurry? No need to move so fast.''
''Life will offer you many things, and some that may not last.''
''The things that we ought to cherish and search for till the end,''
''are the moments we chance upon, like the beauty of the setting sun''
''and I haven't met a man yet I cannot call my friend."''

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